Archives For What I Know
I had that special moment today…the moment when time stands still and you realize that your life has changed…and it’s changed for the spectacular.
Let me back up a bit…
I Spin three times a week. On a rare occasion (and I mean rare) I will Spin on Thursday nights during our 4:30pm class. Yesterday I decided that I was going to drive in JUST for Spin. So at 3:30pm, I left my house in Petaluma and drove to Novato. I got to my office just before 4pm. I set up my bike and waited for my instructor (Glen), and the other students, to arrive. I remember looking at the clock…it read 4:20pm…students are here, but no Glen. No Glen?! This is odd. Glen has never missed a since he started teaching this class over two years ago. I feared that something happened…my fear was heightened given that Glen recently purchased a motorcycle. My mind went a little crazy and I hoped and prayed that nothing serious had happened. I asked Sue, one of my Staff Managers at the club, if he had called. She said, “No.” Even more odd. Glen would have called if there was a problem. The clock now reads 4:27pm…
I think to myself, “I’m going to have to teach this class…”
I duck into our orientation & therapy room and compose myself. Forget that I’m about to teach my first Spin class TOTALLY unprepared…but I was completely worried that something bad had happened to Glen. But now, there was no time for conjecture or panic. I had a room full of students who were ready to Spin. The clock on the wall reads 4:29pm…
As a health club manager, I just move into operations mode and handle the problem. I’m not focused any longer on the fact that THIS will be my first class, I just have to make it happen and make it good. I tell the class, “I’m not sure where Glen is, but let’s get started. I have not prepared a program, obviously, for this class…but I will give it my all and I promise you a great, fun class…” Oh my God, why did I just say that?! The clock reads 4:30pm… Time to start…here I go now…
From the moment I opened my mouth on the bike…from the moment I spoke the first instruction…I was calm and focused. All that matted was that I delivered a superior class. My worries and fears did not exist and I refused to give power to something that is created out of thin air. Before I knew it, the clock read 4:50pm… Had twenty minutes passed already???
My energy was high on all levels. As soon as I started I mapped out a program in my head. I need to follow the program, keep my energy up, and watch my students for correct form and posture…all the while being aware if my form AND balancing my breathes so I could talk over the headset microphone.
I used some traditional moves and used some of my own. I mixed it up and gave them something new. I didn’t want to rest on what was easy. I wanted then to love this class. I didn’t want any of them to feel disappointed because Glen wasn’t there. But I caught myself…I have no control over their reaction. I only have control over my delivery and attitude. I stayed focused and kept giving it my all. The clock now read 5:15pm…and that’s when it happened…the moment it all clicked for me…
In the midst of my coaching, I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror…a glimpse of me on the Spin bike, coaching, instructing…thriving in the moment… Who is that guy?…that thin guy?…that guy with defined, strong legs and that smallish butt? Oh my God…it’s really me! This is surreal… The clock reads 5:23pm… The class has seven minutes left…
My students…let me say that again…my students…were working their butts off…I could see how tired they were…the loads of sweat pouring off their bodies… On the other hand, I was on fire. My energy level was so high I thought I was going to jettison right out of my seat. I smiled and realized I was going to finish hard and strong…and I was going to lead my class to do the same. The clock now reads 5:25pm…the last song is coming on…
I tell everyone to take a deep breath…that we are going to ride this one out with fury and fun…we’re gonna give it our all…I tell them to, “…Focus on the beat of the music. Ignore any tiredness. Know that you are strong and will finish strong. Know that you can achieve it if they focus on what they want…” It’s now 5:28pm on the clock…only two minutes left…everyone is giving it their all…
Right now, I’m just a ball of energy and inspiration. All I care about is the group finishing strong…praising them for their work, their commitment…I’m trying not to yell into the mic, but I can’t hold down my excitement…only a few seconds left…almost there. The clock reads 5:30pm…it’s over…it done…my first Spin class as the sole instructor…My students sweaty, tired…and smiling…
I’m on cloud 9….no, more like cloud 27…
I completed the class with a few traditional stretches and some new ones. My students all liked the new moves. They came up to me and let me know they really liked the class. They told me that i worked them hard and they like it. I was beaming…
It turns out that the stars aligned for me to get the validation I didn’t even know I needed. Here’s what happened: Glen missed a class. I happened to be there. I taught the class. I had not prepared. I gave it my all. I was good. The class was happy…
If it had happened any other way, I would not have had the experience of how really prepared I was to teach a Spin class on my own. I knew deep down I could do it…but I did have nerves…I had nerves because it mattered so deeply to me. Being thrown into the fire without ANY preparation taught me how strong I was. It taught me that I have been ready for some time…more than ready…
I could not have done what I did if i hadn’t committed to transforming my body from the inside out. My clean living and eating provided me with a body that could “do the work” and do it well. Although far from perfect, I now have a body that acts like a well oiled machine. It gives me the energy I need when I need it and can sustain coaching a 50 minute, intense cardio class…while talking no less!
What a great evening! I’m still on a high. I was smiling all the way home. I was smiling in the shower and doing little happy dances. It was like I was in love…that feeling when your falling in love and everything is new and fresh and you are smiling all day long just at the thought of the other person…that’s how I feel right now…right at this moment…
The clock reads 12:11am… I am in Spin in less than six hours…Time for sleep…
Yes, I am in love…with my life…and all the possibilities…
I have to be honest, when I woke up this morning and stepped on the scale I was very disappointed. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I had gained a pound in a week. This was the first time in four months that I hadn’t lost any weight in a week’s time. Just before stepping on the scale, I thought to myself; if I only lose one pound, that would be okay…but the way I feel, I’m pretty sure I’ve lost two or three pounds. I even entertained the possibility that I could even have hit 189. I knew it was a stretch, but I had been working sooooo hard, I thought it was in the realm of reason. So again, I was shocked when the scale indicated that I had gained weight.
I got off the scale and started to contemplate; Had I done anything different? Had my food changed? Had my exercise changed? Nothing pointed to any lax behavior which would cause the gain…and then it hit me…I had to have gained muscle. I had lost fat and gained muscle. In the last week my clothes were fitting looser. I could see the definition in my upper legs emerging from cycling at least 15 miles…everyday. My waist seems smaller and my pants were looser. In four months I have gone from a 40″ waist to a 32/34.” But, even with this realization, I still wasn’t embracing the big picture. I was still focused on the one pound gain…until I took my 120 day pictures…WOW…what a reality check. Looking at the AFTER pictures, I could really see how my body has transformed, not only in the last four months, but in the last 30 days. It’s for this very reason why it’s so important to take before, during, and after pictures as you lose weight, gain muscle and move towards a healthy lifestyle.
People are walking up to me and calling me “skinny.” In relationship to what I was four months ago, I guess I am skinny. It’s hard to believe that I could be called skinny at 195 pounds…but then again…it’s all relative. It’s not as though I’ve been sitting on the couch consuming an unhealthy liquid diet without exercise (hello, can we say Optifast?! Gross). On the contrary, I have been committed to exercising and building a better body through exercise, daily! It doesn’t matter how much I weigh, it matters how much my percentage of body fat is actually decreasing…and that is going down steadily. Again, the pictures don’t lie. My closes fitting looser don’t lie. Measurements don’t lie.
Yesterday was a busy day (as so many of them are these days) and the sun was beginning to set when I went for my usual daily bike ride. I try to go early in the morning, but it doesn’t always work out for me. My commitment is daily exercise, and I’m open to however that shows up in my life. It could be a bike ride or a walk with a friend. It could be a run or a friendly tennis match. It could be a 30-minute swiss ball workout or a hike with a colleague…However exercise show up is just fine with me as long as I stick to my commitment of choosing it daily.
So far daily exercise has not been a problem. I look forward each day to working out and exercising my muscles. It’s become a tad bit addicting. I’m not so much addicted to the endorphin rush as I am excited about how, at 46 (47 in less than 30 days), my body is performing better than it has been in some time. I feel like I’m in my twenties…seriously, I do…and I was in good shape in my twenties.
So back to last night and my late bike ride…I had a definite moment of clarity that moved me emotionally. As I rode back towards home, the sun was setting beneath the rolling hills of Sonoma County. I was riding fast and the wind was whipping past me. My legs were a bit tired but my exhilaration of the experience kept me focused on having a great ride. I loved being on my bike and didn’t want to end quite yet. I felt free and alive and was so incredibly grateful for the life that I’m experiencing…living…right now. And then it suddenly hit me…this new attitude…this new way of perceiving exercise…it was a joy…a privilege…something that was a gift to myself and not an impediment of my day and time. It was a new way of living…and it literally took my breath away…
I had never experienced such a feeling. I’ve been active all my life (sometimes more than others), but I have never embraced exercise as a gift and privilege…I always perceived it as a necessary nuisance to achieve good health. Exercise, for me, was the price you paid for the chance of living a quality life. It never occurred to me that being able to exercise is the evidence of living a quality life. It has become clear to me that exercise–the harmonious moment of your body–is a gift to yourself…a symphonic-like reminder of the incredible machine that you are.
I pray that I never forget that…and in not doing so…I celebrate every movement my body allows me to create until my last dying breath.
I have about 10 pounds to lose and then I’m officially under the 200 pounds mark and into the 100’s. Once I’m in the 100’s I’m going to start weighing in once a week. I look forward to that at this point. Days like this morning where I put on almost a pound in one day NEVER makes sense to me especially when I’m golden on my eating and exercise. It always boils down to just three possible causes: (1) Too much salt, (2) not enough fat, or (3) my body just doing some kind of adjustment.
I cut back on my fat intake yesterday because I wanted to see a bigger loss on the scale this morning. You think I would have learned that this is NOT the way to drop weight. I know better, but that crazy idea that fat makes you fat still floats around in my head sometimes. This is sooooooo not true.
The next time I weigh in will be Monday morning. I’m going on a mini-vacation to Saratoga. I’m going with a friend to see Gladys Night at the Mountain Winery which is a gorgeous venue. If you live and the area, you must go see a concert there! Until Monday! Have a great weekend people!
The world only becomes transparent to man when man himself is completely transparent, when he is what he truly is.
~Chao Yong
Sunday, I attended the 43rd annual San Francisco PRIDE parade. It was a gorgeous day. The weather in San Francisco could not have been better. The feeling in the air was one of acceptance and equality like had never experienced before. This parade was different. It marched on the heels of the Supreme Court’s decision which brought same-sex couples the same, federal marriage rights as straight couples. The decision also led to the collapse of DOMA and Proposition 8 in California. There is still a long way for the country to go. The GLBT community won’t rest until all 50 states share marriage equality. But I know that it isn’t a matter of if, but simply a matter of when.
So many people attending the parade from every ethnic and religious backgrounds were celebrating the unquestionable right to love who you want to love. Most pride parades have a touch of rebellion tossed in the mix of celebration. This year rebellion took a back seat to a full sense of equality and validation. We, as a GLBT community, are finally and truly “the same” in the eyes of the federal government. We are equal to and not less than. A truly unbelievable concept for our souls to grasp. So many years of living as second class citizens. It’s still hard to believe that all the dreams and hopes I had as a child for myself…a the chance at a family…an opportunity for a real wedding…well, it’s all possible. Simply life changing. It doesn’t matter that I might be too old to start a family. It’s the knowledge that I can if I want to and have every aspect about that decision validated by my country and state.
I don’t care how much weight I end up losing. Nothing could have made me feel lighter than having the chains of oppression removed from my body. It’s a brand new day. It’s a brand new time. If you should see me walking around and you think I happen to have a bigger smile on my face than normal…well, I do.
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- Photos: Pride Takes Over San Francisco (sfstation.com)
Recognizing the sacred begins, quite simply, when we are interested in every aspect of our lives.
~Chögyam Trungpa